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Friday Joke Corner

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Friday Joke Corner

Post by S2M Cappie on Fri Nov 02, 2012 6:43 pm

My doctor told me to avoid saturated fat.

So I stopped fucking my wife in the shower.

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by CQR Deuce on Fri Nov 02, 2012 9:48 pm

Good one Cappie! LOL!

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"


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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by FAF Speeddmon91 on Fri Nov 02, 2012 10:12 pm

PMSL

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by HCR Karma on Sat Nov 03, 2012 10:40 am

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

am not bitter at all Laughing

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by HCR Karma on Sat Nov 03, 2012 10:41 am

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?















Put a nipple on it.

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by IRT Flag on Sat Nov 03, 2012 2:12 pm

haha both of them are good,



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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by uk Dubs on Sat Nov 03, 2012 6:16 pm

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by F4H Devil on Sat Nov 03, 2012 6:25 pm

(to the tune 'you'll never work walk alone')
sign on sign on with a pen in your hand, and you'll never work again, you'll never work again

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by S2M Cappie on Sat Dec 01, 2012 7:31 pm

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.


The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.


She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers dont ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....!
The boss said

"Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by S2M Cappie on Sat Dec 01, 2012 7:33 pm

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. "I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted!; They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way!

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by S2M Cappie on Sat Dec 01, 2012 7:38 pm

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all
the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.



The letter read:


Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money
I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money,
I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope.. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other


workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.


By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and


the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


Christmas came and went.


A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.


All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.


Sincerely, Edna

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by S2M Cappie on Wed Dec 05, 2012 12:28 am

A young boy is sat on the stairs with his cat and a tube of smarties. As his mum watched, he put a smartie in his mouth, licked his cat then moved down a step. He then put another smartie in his mouth, licked the cat again and moved down a step.Puzzled, his mum asked, "What are you doing?""I'm getting some practice in for when I'm older. I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on."

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by S2M Cappie on Wed Dec 05, 2012 12:30 am

My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex. Last night for example I shoved it right up her arse and she yelled "nine, nine!" My best score yet

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by ErebusV8 on Wed Dec 05, 2012 3:01 am

Gregbie wrote:How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?














Put a nipple on it.
what do you call a boob with no nipple on it?
pointless.

(this is my joke btw): two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says 'you man the gun, i'll drive'

i've been readying a book about anti gravity, it's impossible to put down.

did you hear about the fire at the circus? it was in-tents

Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium BATMAN! (please someone get it!!!!!!)

(this is great i recon): 'if you come home with me you'll be'

(Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2

copy and paste that in google for answer
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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by S2M Cappie on Wed Dec 05, 2012 5:44 pm

[quote="

(Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2
[/quote]

Mmmmm I dont think |'ll be "Cummingtonite" with you my friend.

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by S2M Cappie on Sun Dec 09, 2012 7:34 pm

Ann & Ted were out walking. Ann said "I need a wee" and goes behind a bush.
Ted hears her knickers come down and feeling a bit kinky, puts his hand through the bushes and between her legs.

He feels something hanging!!

"Ann have you changed your sex?"

"No" Ann replied "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit"

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by ErebusV8 on Mon Dec 10, 2012 4:35 am

S2M Cappie wrote:
GRT 458Italia wrote:

(Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2

Mmmmm I dont think |'ll be "Cummingtonite" with you my friend.
hahaha, that's what your misses said


Last edited by GRT 458Italia on Mon Dec 10, 2012 11:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by HCR Karma on Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:21 am

IRT Flag wrote:haha both of them are good,



twunt,,,just spotted this,,, lol!

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by F4H Devil on Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:25 pm

Pmsl

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by HCR Karma on Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:50 pm

Two chinese gangsters are planning to break into a Scottish distillery, One says to the other.. Is it whiskey ? yes Replies the other... But not as whiskey as a bank wobbery ! ! !

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by F4H Devil on Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:36 pm

lol

one thing:IT'S NOT FRIDAY

LOL

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Re: Friday Joke Corner

Post by HCR Karma on Mon Dec 10, 2012 3:22 pm

do u only laugh one day a week,,,no wonder yer a sour faced moanin biatch most of the time!!

sshhhllllaaaagggggg! x

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